Sunday, July 25, 2010

Questions I'm tired of answering ...

and the answers I'd like to give.

(Note: Like all sarcasm, this is intended to be humorous, but also convey some truth.  You can decide for yourself where the line lays.)

Do you sleep with your models?
You know, it's amazing.  Every beautiful 20 year old woman in Alaska is just dying to get her hands on a scruffy, overweight, married man twice her age.  They're just lechers who have no interest in modeling or art and the only reason they agree to model for me is so they can get me in a compromising situation.  I'm not naive.  I know it's risky and dumb to invite them into my studio, but so far I've managed to fend them off and not let any of them take advantage of me.

Do you just do this so you can see nekid chicks?
Well, let's see.  Say I want to see some nekid chicks.
I can invest $28,000 in equipment, insurance, computers, software, studio rental ... take on all the stress of scheduling appointments, dealing with no-shows, delivering prints, maintaining equipment ... deal with contracts and agreements and gallery commissions and unsolicited criticism ... get rejected by ten shows and ten galleries for every little success ...
I can take my $28,000, go down to the titty bar, kick back, and drop a few hundred bucks on drinks and lap dances every single Friday night for three years.

Hmmm ... OK, you got me ... I'm an idiot.

Oh my, you shoot nudes?!  Well I don't really like most of your photos and I won't do nude work, but I'm beautiful and everyone says I should be a model so you'll shoot me for free, right?
Absolutely!  I'll even postpone my vacation to accommodate your schedule, and loan you my credit card so you can go do your xmas shopping while I get the studio ready.  Would you like a dozen roses and a pedicure too?

You shoot guys too? Naked?  Are you gay?
Only on Thursdays and Sundays.  The rest of the week I'm an appropriately homophobic manly man and nothing moves me except lugies, farts, and hawt cheerleaders.

Can you make me look like [insert favorite celebrity]?
Well, I'm only half way finished with my correspondence course in plastic surgery, but I'll do my best.  Can we shoot photos first, though, just in case the stitches show?

Does you wife know you do this?
Well, I had her convinced her I was just spending a lot of time hanging out in bars and meth houses, not that studio she helped me haul my equipment to. It took a little more work to convince her all those pictures I print in the living room are just favors I'm doing for photographers I know, not photos I shot myself.  I really had to work to convince her that all those young women who say hi in the grocery store are my nieces she's never met and all their babble about pictures and modeling are just delusions, but she finally bought it.  After all that hard work I thought my secret was safe, but then I took her to a gallery where a bunch of the pictures I printed in the living room were hanging and she asked the proprietor who the photographer was, and that was it.  I was busted.

Where did you get all these pictures/Did you take all these pictures?
No, man, they came in the frames I bought at Walmart!  You should go get some so you can tell people you're a photographer too!

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